ENGLISH LANGUAGE? OH LET'S MURDER IT! {THE 'ABBREVIATORS'}

Helo frendz nd readaz! Ow av yhu al bin doin? Eye ope yhu r al doin gr8! Am also doin 1derful 2, 10nx!... 4 tudae's aticul, we r gonna b talkin bout d gramma ov d Inglish Langwage nd ow best it kan b murdered.. O yes, 2dae we basicaly take a luk at d numerous wayz ov 'abbreviating' and 'funkifying' inglish langwage expecially in social media chatz nd oda in4mal wrait-ups... Eye rili ope yhu stay wiv mi 4 d ride bcuz itz gonna b entatainin, edukatin...........and stupid.

...Hold on.. Are you scratching your head? Are you thinking I've suddenly run mad? Is your brain in a muddle? Are you confused?....... Well, so am I too!  No fear then, for we are in the same boat.. Yes, that first paragraph above has absolutely scrambled my brain!

So then, before we proceed, a quick re-introduction and re-validation:-  Hi, my name is John. I have small eyes. I am not an alien from pluto. I am a normal human being. I run this blog.... And NO, I do not abbreviate words like a pregnant cow. Nice to meet you. Thanks.  .....  Oh, almost forgot, if you're reading this and you know you usually write like that first paragraph, then, erm, you might wanna stop right here cos this article probably won't be kind to you... Hehe *evil grin*

Aha! Now we've got all that outta the way, let's shoot!....... But wait. Infact, why do I even have to write an unnecessary long-winding essay on an article titled "The Abbreviators"? I might as well have fun with this and articulate it in a  dramatic, character-based way.. Hmm, seems I'll have to slip into one of my crazy alter-egos for this particular assignment then.. It might be tricky, but stay with me here folks; even jocularly, I'll still attempt to pass on the central message of this piece. Read between the lines.

Thus, ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, your new co-author:-  HRH Abbreviatus Johnus Dominus Junius 1 Of Shadyville Ancient Royal Alternate Kingdom .... erm, I hope you enjoy him..

**AJDJ takes over**   {oh, if you're wondering, that stands for -ABBREVIATUS-JOHNUS-DOMINUS-JUNIUS- .. Yes, the nitwit even abbreviates his own name}

Ello pple! I am AJDJ. Xup up wit yhu guyz! Eye ope yhu r al doin lyk mee nd chillin lyk a villain. Plis, yhu pipo shud ignor dat rubish blind bat John of a boi. Dnt mynd im, evritym e wee b feelin lyk an inglish prof nd yet e doznt evn av up to 7ven undred naira in iz poket sef. Nways, av taken ova d show nau, so no probs.... Sinx we r talkin bout abreviatns 2dei, insted ov wraiting a long mumu essay lyk dat blind eediot wannabe-prof John, eye wee jes giv yhu egzampules ov y sum abreviatns r bad nd stupidei.. *SYDE NOTE* - Bcos am a kind fellow, eye myt jes allow dat rubish John 2 chip in wit iz opinion ere nd dere.. Yhu wee kno im wen he wraits na, iz opinion wee b in pure inglish. Dont mynd ihm, evritym e wee b 4rming as if e iz d onli 1 dat cn spik inglish. Nonsenx.

D 1st egzampule eye wee giv iz dat 2 much abreviatns in social media actwally affexts us in ril lyf. Yhu cee, if yhu r fond ov abreviatin nd funkifying yhur wordz, den unknowinly, it wee sub-conscioxly affext yur normal wraiting nd gramma, expecially if yhu r a student or an ofis worker in a 4mal orgnizatn... A student whu murders inglish gramma nd funkifies hiz wraitings on social media jes neva nose wen he/she doz d same tin in klass or in an egzam. D same thingy also appliez 2 ofis workers.. Eye haff bin 2 a bank b4 nd insted ov d cashier 2 wrait d corect tin 4 mee on ma teller slip, d nitwit wrote - "7ventin point 5ive milion naira onli"..  Am tellin yhu! Kan yhu imagin! Eye fink eye almost fainted! Infaxt, eye almost carried al mai millions away 4rom dat bank!

written by a child in kindergarten, perhaps?

hehehe

Sekondly, being an abreviator makez us appear 2 b sumhow retarded expecially on first impression..  4 instans, jes take a luk at ow dat blind John started dis articul. Am sure wen yhu wia readin dat 1st paragraf, yhu tot he waz mental.. Xo yhu cee, d way u wrait sayz a lot bout yhu ....... Dat waz ow eye got a frend reqwest 4rm a gel cald Sandra on facebuk, nd lyk eye alwayz do b4 eye axcept, eye checkd ha profile and diz waz wot eye saw unda ''ABOUT ME'' - ''Hai evri1, am Xandra. Am a yung buh fun-luvin, hapi, sexi geh. Am a gud xtian and ayam a child ov Jisos. Eye fink am veri beautyfull nd eye njoy dancin, cukin, travelin, nd washin teevee. Eye also lyk modelin nd i luv ma boo xo veri much aww xxx. If yhu wanna kno mor bout mii, den am sowie, eye gues yhu jes av 2 fynd aut!"..

**John here**   ------   WAIT WAIT! I just have to butt in here! What kind of human being was that on facebook?! Just imagine the sort of description a normal person gave about herself online for the whole world to see! What's with all the silly abbreviations/funkification? I mean, what's the rush? It's not even within a private chat which might have been more acceptable, it was on a profile description for god's sakes! Is that meant to be trendy or what? Am I missing something? So, on your public profile where the whole world percepts you on first impression, you choose to write like a mildly retarded breast sucking infant?? .... And please, please, oh please, it is "I'M" NOT "AM"! Thanks. Needless to say, these sort of people should be deleted immediately!

chai! asuu oh asuu, help thy people!

Hehehe.. No comment

I'd really like to meet this girl's boyfriend..

You know what, don't get me wrong, I'm not saying we should go all Patrick Obahiagbon and be all 'crinkum crankum plutocracy ologomabia deprecable miasma elucidation cascading mobocracy centura primeral maladorous kakistocracy'... Nope. That's probably for people who have gone bonkers. Lol.. So, that is not the premise of this article. My point is that abbreviations/funkified grammar is cool, but if you must do so, then at least, let it be presentable, seamlessly unforced, smart and readable, and more importantly, let it not be over-used especially in the same sentence/group of words, headings, profile descriptions, etc.. Otherwise, the words become childishly cluttered and the writer appears somewhat asinine.

Please, can someone be kind enough to translate this gibberish?

Also, come to think of it, it really isn't every word that has to be abbreviated even if being used in an informal setting. Sometimes, I really don't get the rationale behind some unwarranted abbreviations/funkified words. Let's see some popular examples:-

• Yhu  [You] - For real, isn't this senseless? What's the point of an abbreviation when both words contain exactly the same number of letters??
• Jes  [Just]  - Not to sound too nitpicky, but these two words sound nothing alike, hence not an abbreviation in my book. An abbreviated word has to at least sound like the original. For instance, 'U' is perfectly acceptable for 'you', 'd' works for 'the' and so on.
• Fink  [Think]  -  Kinda makes the writer sound retarded, don't you think?.. You know, anybody that writes "I fink..." probably wasn't really 'thinking' in the first place!
• IJN  [In Jesus's Name]  -  I'm not much of a christian, but c'mon people, if you want a favour from someone, the least you can do is spell out his name with the utmost respect. Yes? No?
• Hia/Dia  [Here/There]  -  Hehe, anybody that uses this just comes across as an onitsha market trader in alaba international spare parts depot.. {"Nna mehn, biko bia hia!.." --- Sounds about right!] Lol
• Tudae  [Today]  -  Aww, what's the matter hun, was it 'Tuface Idibia' you originally intended to spell? Cos it sure looks like it!
• Sowie [Sorry]  - What's this? Did you swallow a balloon? Did boko haram plant a bomb in your mouth? Smh. 'Sowie' for yourself, dummy!
• Xup  [?]  - I'm confused, does the writer want to drink 7UP or something? Honestly, I really don't know what this stands for. So please help me fill in the gap.
• Jisos/Jisox  [Jesus]  -  Oh really? So, after bulldozing his name, you still expect him to answer prayer for you abi? Nice try!
• Bet  [But]  - Hmm, you know, I'm pretty sure anyone that uses this is a gambler! It figures.
• 4rom  [From]  -  No comment.
• Eye  [I]  -  No comment.
• Iz  [Is]  - No comment.
• Am  [I'm]  -  No comment........  Nope, wait. For this one, I must comment! This particular 'abbreviation' kills me the most.  And it seems all Nigerians are guilty of this. I mean, did people have triple promotion from nursery to secondary school? Did they skip primary school or something? I don't understand this and I have no idea why I always get angry whenever I see 'Am' being used instead of 'I'm'.. The thing dey pain me die! Lol.. I'm not an English teacher but don't those two words have entirely different meanings? ---

wow, what a fantastic, deserving 'graduate'.. congrats nitwit!

Substituting English........to sound like Greek!

 You know what, infact ignore everything I've said about abbreviations so far; you can abbreviate like AJDJ and I'd condone that, but if you constantly use 'Am' instead of 'I'm', then my friend, you are dead to me!.. And when I see you, I will give you rat poison!... So, erm, if you're reading this, and you know you always write 'am' instead of 'I'm', then please kindly meet me next weekend at the Land-Of-No-Mercy-Wrestling-Gym-For-Beef-Settling-Arena... Because you and I need to have a physical fight... Oh, and please bring your coffin along...cos one of us will die!

**na AJDJ be dis**   Yes oo! oshe oo! im don yus im mouth talk am! See blind persin wey no get power dey challenge d whole naija 2 fight sha.. Abeg make una help me kill am well well! So dat I go fit take ova dis blog patapata!

**John here**  Oh shut up AJDJ! You're distracting me! Erm, I'm sure the readers know that I was just kidding..  I certainly aint gonna fight anybody.....and stop calling me blind, you nitwit! Now, can you just sit quietly and let me finish writing my opinion before you think of taking over this blog, you scallywag!

Yeah, sorry peeps, so where was I? Right, we were talking about silly abbreviations.. So, like I was saying, the situation kinda reminds me of one time recently when I was on an online media forum, and one guy was complaining bitterly about how his job application as a PR personnel  was rejected by the company even though he was actually the only applicant, and according to him, he was very 'qualified' for the job!.. Hear him in his own words:--- "Nna mehn, infaxt ayam tayad ov diz countri. Wot sot ov nonsenx iz diz sef. Jes imagin, afta av summited ma reqwest 4 a jorb in which eye waz d onli candid8 dat applyd 4 it, yet dat bastard compay steel dint offa mee d job as a PR represent8tiv. Of which am a veri  1derful wraiter. Mai brodaz nd sixtaz, plis tell mi, is diz fare?"

Wait, What?! Like Michael Jackson, I was speechless.....but not in the romantic way! Lmfao ....... If you're reading this and you're laughing cos you've probably figured why the company opted not to employ the guy above, then you get it! Congrats, you're a smart one! ....... But if after you've read that and you still don't get why the 'wicked' company didn't employ the 'poor soul' as their PUBLIC RELATIONS REPRESENTATIVE, then please, kindly stab yourself with the nearest toothpick. Thanks for your co-operation.

Is this AJDJ in disguise? chineke! no be only resemble, na resemblance!

My people, abeg make una help judge this 'bunch of full' matter! chai

And finally, before we conclude, I obviously can't end this without taking a crack at myself.. Oh yea, I'm also guilty of some abbreviating misdemeanors. Lol.. You know, come to think of it, we've all become so engrossed in contemporary social media use that we unknowingly now think, write and speak in abbreviated ways like programmed human robots. We're seemingly always in a computerized rush to converse and the saturation of information technology has become over-the-top. It's a hard balancing act I know, but if not sensibly managed, in the long run it ultimately alters our everyday lives and physical conversations with the 'real' people around us - which dare I say, is much more important..

hehehe.. My 'LOL' face.. *evil grin*

Case In Point - Me and my 'Lol' :- Okay, so y'all know how we usually respond to most chats with an indifferent 'Lol', especially if they're somewhat boring or we don't really have anything to say, right? well, I'm sure you know what I mean... Anyways,  so I went to see my dad recently, and as is the norm, we had a long discussion on current happenings in the country. Pops went on this long rant about boko haram and the implications on the 2015 election and all that. When he was done, he asked me what I thought, expecting me to give a sensible answer..... So, what was my response? Yup, you guessed it - A very big fat 'LOL'. As in, I brainlessly said 'Lol' out aloud as my response!.... Hehehe..... ....... You should have seen the look pops gave me! The look on his face just said something like "Damn, why didn't I give this boy up for adoption when he was 6 months old?!"

**dis iz AJDJ hia**   Dammit mee 2!! Eye rili wish yhur fada had given yhu up 4 adoptn! Rubish blind abbreviator lyk yhu. Afta yhu wee b 4rmin inglish prof shebi. Lol ko, lollipop ni. And if yhu eva cal mee a nithwit again, I wee brake dat yhur efiko eyeglass. Heediot. 

Nwayz, leidies nd gentulmen, un4tun8ly, we av cum 2 d end ov d show. Eye ope yhu guyz undastood d articul nd eye also ope yhu njoyed mai style ov wraitin unlyk dat blind John dat wee be speakin plenti inglish evritym... Gudbye nd remain blexsd!...    ........ Ehen, and plix dont 4get 2 go next wikend nd fight wif dat blind John in the Land-Of-No-Mercy-Beef-Settling-Arena. Shebi itz him dat started it.  Jes rimove hiz eyeglas, nd hee wee becum helpless, shikena. Plis yhu pipo shud help mee kee him veri well xo dat eye kan b in full charge ov dis blog. 10nx.

**John here**    Ok peeps, so that concludes it. Thanks for reading {my part, not that AJDJ clown's part}  As for AJDJ, he's just a nitwit! The imp just succeeded in spoiling my blog with his retarded abbreviatus grammatus, so if it affected your reading, then I apologise on his behalf. I'll handle him later.. So long folks, stay safe.  

Oh, and if after reading this piece, but you still continue to be an 'abbreviator' like AJDJ - I will search for you. I will find you. I will give you rat poison. Then I will strangle you.  .....  Nah, just kidding! [um, maybe not].


*Dedicated to my favourite 'Ifots' - Mercy and Edidiong.. For constantly bombarding me with crazy nitwitty abbreviations enough to kill a fully grown camel! And also for generously helping to provide the pictures used in the article. Much love, girls.. Erm, I'm pretty sure AJDJ also loves you guys too!*