#Shady Excellency For President In 2015? You Bet!

Hello everyone! Y'all alive and chillin' like villains? I suppose. Okay, at this point, I'm pretty sure you all are tired of me always apologising for my lengthy disappearing acts, right? So there's really no point in me regurgitating some cooked up apology on why I haven't written an article in a long while. I think I'll just console myself with the delusional belief that I'm kinda special like christmas - As in, I come once in a year. Maybe twice. Or thrice. Whatever. Perverts, do NOT distort that innocent statement!

Anyways, so in order to make it up to you guys (my fans, hehe), I went out of my way to make this particular article a blockbuster! And to that end, guess what I went on to do? Yeah, that's right, I went ahead and snagged myself an EXCLUSIVE interview with one of the country's latest presidential aspirants. Yes, yes, you read that right, people. Don't act so surprised, I know people who know people who know people who know people in higher places. Duh.

However, it's important to note that this particular presidential aspirant is a bit of an anomaly. He prides himself on being a quintessential Nigerian politician, but, he also says that he is quite different from our previous and current leaders. He is basically asking for your votes and he assures that he will make Nigerians and even the outside world fall hopelessly in love with him. I have no idea how he intends to do that, though.

So then, enough with the intro, let's get on with the revealing one-on-one conversation I had with this weird politician. I now present excerpts of the EXCLUSIVE interview I had with Nigeria's newest presidential hopeful, His Excellency, Chief, Dr, Engr, Rabbi, Prof, Rev, Arc, -Shady AJDJ Dominus- GCON, SAN, JP, Phd, Msc, Bsc, Waec, Junior waec, common entrance, computer school.

Yes, I'm as surprised as you are. He apparently has all those titles and he insisted that I put them all up. But for the purpose of this article, we shall just stick to "Shady Excellency". {Oh, and he has promised to give the first person to comment on this article a brand new iPhone 6 and a juicy ministerial position in his cabinet in 2015}

*Excerpts of the interview*

Me:  Good day sir, and thank you for having me. Firstly, I'd like you to introduce yourself to Nigerians. You could tell us when you were born, state of origin, religion and other basic information about you that we should know.

Shady Excellency: Oh, you're welcome my boy, anytime. Well, I believe your readers aren't dumb, they would have probably seen my name and my numerous titles in the introduction to this interview. But of course, that's if you even have any readers on this scanty blog of yours sef. Besides, I'm not a proud man and I don't like intimidating people with all my titles and qualifica...

Me:   But Sir..

Shady Excellency: Shut up. I hate being interrupted.

Me: Sorry sir.

Shady Excellency: Better. So, as I was saying, I'm not a proud man and I really don't like intimidating others. Anyways, as for when I was born, I'm not too sure sha, but my grandmother said it was on a traditional market day and that there was an eclipse of the moon or something. Whatever, it doesn't really matter, I'm here now and that's what's important. Forward ever, my boy, forward ever.

Me: Um, but sir, don't you think Nigerians have a right to know these fundamental details of their prospective leader?

Shady Excellency: Wait o, are you retarded? I've told you what my grandmother told me, what else do you want to know again? Hian. Besides, haven't you seen my numerous election billboards and posters on the streets? I mean, everything you need to know about me is pasted there.

Me: Okay sir, if you say so.

Shady Excellency: Yes, I say so. Mumu.

Me: So sir, what about your state of origin, religion, and general ideology?

Shady Excellency: Well, I consider myself a nationalist. I don't think state of origin is important. And as for religion, I'm neutral in that. I embrace all. I need both muslims and christians and even babalawos to vote for me. I can't afford to take sides.

Me: Wow, that's the first insightful thing you've said sir. I really th...

Shady Excellency: Young man, are you trying to insult me?

Me: No sir, I didn't mean it that way. I was only trying to compliment you.

Shady Excellency: Hmm.. My eyes are on you.

Me:  So sir, what is your blueprint for the restructuring of Nigeria, seeing as we are currently facing numerous economic and social issues?

Shady Excellency: What do you mean by blueprint? Are you referring to Jay-z's album?

Me: No sir, I mean what are your plans to move Nigeria forward if you become president?

Shady Excellency: Oh, oh, hahaha, that's not a problem at all. When we get to that bridge, we'll cross it. And point of correction, it is not 'if' I become president, it is 'when'. As in, 'when' I become president. Be guided.

Me: Huh?

Shady Excellency: Are you deaf? I said when we get to that bridge, we'll cross it oo. Or don't you understand simple idiomatic expressions? What primary school did you attend?

Me: But sir, don't you think Nigerians deserve to know explicit details of your campaign agenda?

Shady Excellency: And who are you to tell me what Nigerians want? Nigerians don't even know what they want.

Me: But sir..

Shady Excellency: Next question!

Me: Okay sir, how do you intend to tackle the issue of Boko Haram?

Shady Excellency: Oh, the boko boys? That's not a problem, I'll simply invite them all and make them my personal bodyguards and Aso rock security details.

Me: Excuse me?!

Shady Excellency: You are excused.

Me: Sir?

Shady Excellency: Yes, that's right. In fact, I'm using this medium to call on the boko boys to drop their arms and proceed to my campaign office and pick up application forms to fill and submit as my security agents for 2015. The more vicious you are, the more your chances of being selected. This way, they will all be gainfully employed in the society. I'm very magnanimous, don't you think?

Me: Jesus.

Shady Excellency: Christ.

Me: Sir, are you serious?

Shady Excellency: Does it look like I'm joking?

Me: Hmm, okay sir. What's your agenda for the dwindling fortunes of the naira? How do you intend to re-position and re-value our national currency and thus curb inflation?

Shady Excellency: Well, I did a little personal research and I observed that our currency was very stable in the olden days during the time of our fore-fathers. So to that end, I'm currently thinking of re-introducing the use of cowries and livestock trade by barter system as the legal means of buying and selling. If it served us well then, then it should serve us well now. I think that would be a perfect plan.

Me: Cowries?! Are you kidding me, sir?

Shady Excellency: No, I'm adulting you, dummy. Go and do your research, you will see that we were much better off with cowries. The naira is just a big set-up.

Me: erm, er..

Shady Excellency: Next question!

Me: Sir, what are your plans on the prices of fuel and other petroleum products, moribund refineries, labour strikes, epileptic power supply, unemployment, poor state of our sports industry, inadequate social amenities, general insecurity, and other problems currently plaguing the country?

Shady Excellency: Am I a computer? Who are you asking all these plenty questions?

Me: Sorry sir, I meant you should specifically tell us how you intend to tackle some particular pressing problems in our country

Shady Excellency: Hmm, well, as for fuel prices, my english teacher once said that whatever goes up, must come down. So if fuel prices go up, we should just wait, it must sha come down. And as for epileptic power supply, haha, it's funny you know, because you just reminded me of my childhood friend who was an epileptic. Whenever his epilepsy started, his mum would put an iron spoon in his mouth, and within minutes, he would be totally fine! So, I've decided to follow that pattern. Immediately I assume office, I will order my minister of power to insert a giant spoon in NEPA's mouth, and I'm sure its epilepsy will stop at once! Am I not a genius? I don't even know why these our olodo leaders haven't tried this method since.

Me: What? Sir, I don't think..

Shady Excellency: Shut up. In any case, I'm a firm believer in the idea that one solution can solve different problems. As in, one size fits all. That's why I say all these issues are bridges we will cross when we get there. Just add them to the other bridges we still have to cross. It shouldn't be more than 10 bridges altogether. 10 bridges isn't that much to cross na. Besides, I used to be the leader of the Bridge-Crossing-Brigade during my youth association days, so no problems. Nigeria will be in safe, experienced hands.

Me: Jesus!

Shady Excellency: Christ!

Me: Sir, tell me you're joking, right?

Shady Excellency: Boy, tell me you're a nitwit, right?

Me: Okay, let's move on.

Shady Excellency: Good idea.

Me: So sir, any other plans that Nigerians should know?

Shady Excellency: Well, I have many superb plans for Nigerians. For instance, on assuming office, I intend to drastically reduce the cost of air travel to the extent that there will be traffic hold-ups and even agberos in the sky. There could even be LASTMA and police check-points up there in the skies. Also, concerning the state of our sports sector, I'm  an Arsenal fan, so I intend to use that experience to overhaul our sports industry and make sure our dear super eagles always qualify and finish 4th in every tournament. Furthermore, since I'm a public relations expert, I'm aiming to be a hands-on president and assist in maintaining the love life of citizens who are in romantic relationships.

Me: How so?

Shady Excellency: Yes o, like for instance, if your girlfriend is playing hard to get and giving you unnecessary headaches, just leave the matter to me. I will steal her from you. Erm, I mean I will steal her and bring her back to you safely. My middle name is 'ladies man', afterall.

Me: Hmm.. Oh really?

Shady Excellency: Yes, really. I am going to be an all-inclusive, super president. I can do everything. In fact, I have a special electoral gift for all the ladies out there. How much does your mac powder cost currently? Around N8,000 or something, right? Well, once I'm voted in, I intend to slash the price to around N500 just for you all. Somebody say amen! Thank me later, ladies. All you have to do is #VoteShadyExcellencyForPresident2015

Me: Sir, is that your way of reaching out to the female voters? Don't you think such propaganda is unbecoming of a presidential aspirant?

Shady Excellency: Shut up boy, this is adult talk. Next question!

Me: Your excellency, Nigerians are yet to know the party under which you seek to realise your presidential ambition. Have you made up your mind on what party to join or are you still in consultations and as at yet, undecided? Will you throw your hat in with the PDP? Or the APC, perhaps?

Shady Excellency: Well, well, well, to be honest, I haven't yet decided on which party to pitch my tent. I'm currently in serious consultations and have yet to decide which party to choose from among the PDP, APC, FRSC, PHCN, Big Brother Africa, NIPOST, LASTMA, The Bakassi Boys, AIT, or UNILAG. It's really a tough choice for me to make, because I'm a hot cake with brazilian hair, so everybody wants me. But rest assured, when I make my decision, Nigerians will be the first to know.

Me: But sir, most of what you just listed aren't even political par..

Shady Excellency: Young man, are you trying to educate me? Let me just inform you that what an elder sees sitting down, a child cannot see even when standing on his tiptoes. Next question!

Me: Sir, what about your opponents? I mean, the other presidential candidates. How sure are you of toppling them at the polls?

Shady Excellency: Hahaha, is that a trick question or a controversial statement? In fact, what school of journalism did you go to? I can see you wear glasses, but are you really that blind? I mean, look around, what other choices do Nigerians have? A Bayelsa fisherman with no shoes who has a penchant for wearing bowler hats and always looking sleepy? Or a northern ex-military dictator who ruled this country before most of us were even born and who really should be in a retirement home with a walking stick? Haha, my point is I am Nigeria's best hope, shikena. Don't ask me stupid questions again.

Me: Hmm.. I see

Shady Excellency: Yes, young chap, you better see the verisimilitude of the paradoxical onomatopoeia in the crinkum crankum within the logomachy surrounding the cascading spasm in the maladorous kakistrocracy around the miasma that envelopes and permeates the Nigerian political circumferential wholish entity.

Me: Wait, what?!

Shady Excellency: Are you confused? Am I too smart for you? Are you that much of an ignoramus that my accurate nuggets of intelligentsia has discombobulated your cerebral capacity?

Me: Um, I'm sorry sir, but I really don't think any of what you said actually makes any sense, and I th..

Shady Excellency: Look here, are you trying to insult me? Do you want me to declare this interview over? Shouldn't you be grateful that I even condescended so low to grace this your skeletal blog? Or do you think it's only Patrick Obahiagbon that can blow plenty grammar? Be warned o.

Me: I'm sorry sir. No vex.

Shady Excellency: Mtscheew. Arrant nonsense. And to think that I was even contemplating making you my presidential special assistant on media duties.

Me: Wow, I'm honoured sir!

Shady Excellency: Shut up. Next question! I'm losing patience here.

Me: Okay sir, final question. It's about finance. We all know that a presidential campaign is always an expensive venture to undertake; so how do you intend to source for the necessary funds to accomplish all that and realise your presidential aspiration?

Shady Excellency: Finally, a good question! I like questions that have to do with money! That's the best question you've asked all interview. Well, concerning my funding and financing, I intend to follow the Obama model.

Me: I don't understand, sir

Shady Excellency: You never understand anything, do you? You're just too dull for my liking. What I mean is, I'm going to raise funds exactly how Obama did - through the masses! Yes, that's right, during Obama's presidential campaign, ordinary citizens actually donated to his account because they wanted change. And guess what? They got that change! So, I've decided to go to all the media houses and print media to advertise my account details. If Nigerians want change, they have to donate for that change. And I am that change! Somebody shout halleluyah! #ShadyExcellencyForPresident2015# Start donating NOW!!

Me: Hahaha. Pardon my laughing, but sir, this is Naija, not America oo

Shady Excellency: This boy, I will slap you oo. Are you trying to put sand in my semovita?

Me: I'm sorry sir, I was just trying to be realistic

Shady Excellency: Sorry for yourself. Just make sure you advertise my account details on this blog. You and your readers should start donating asap. Otherwise, when I assume office, life will be terrible for you guys. #ShadyExcellencyForPresident2015!! #ShadyExcellencyForPtesident2015!! #ShadyExcellencyForPresident2015!!

Me: Hmm.. Noted sir. One quick question, your excellency. I see you have everything all planned out, so I have to ask, what if after all said and done, you don't win the election, what happens next? Would that spell the tragic demise of your political career?

Shady Excellency: Ha, see problem o. Is this blind boy trying to swear for me? Why are you so negative? That is not my portion jare. Oh, and if by any chance I'm not declared the winner of the presidential election, then no problem, there will be only one thing to do..

Me: And what would that be, sir?

Shady Excellency: Jump like a monkey and climb over the bloody gate of that Aso rock, that's what! I am a Nigerian politician, afterall, what do you expect? Hehehe.

Me: Ha, sir, don't you thi...

Shady Excellency: You know what, I'm tired of you asking me rubbish questions. Go outside and stop a keke napep for me biko. I no do again.

Me: A keke napep? But sir, I thought you had plenty luxurious private je..

Shady Excellency: Shut up, aproko. This interview is over!

Me: *Speechless*