THE "OTHERS" {MY 'WOMB-SHARERS'}

                    

Hmm.... Ok, how do I even begin this?

So yeah, I’ve got some free time, and I’m laying on my bed thinking of what topic to write on... But try as I might, I seemingly can’t focus my mind on a befitting subject matter and as I’m about to give up and continue with my Eminem documentary concert on youtube, IT FINALLY HITS ME!!.. “Junior”, I say to myself, “why don’t you write on those other people who had the guts to share the same womb with you?".. Needless to say, it seems a good idea to my ‘writers-blocked’ brain and my mind’s disparaging mode is thus activated. More on that later... So here we are, that naughty light bulb in my brain has lazily flickered on and is suddenly shining bright. And the subject of its mischief – Yep, that’s right - MY FRIGGIN' SIBLINGS!

So, before we start, I think I should firstly introduce the 'characters' of this piece in a clearer, linear way. We’re a family of four kids, so I’ve got three siblings (dem get mind to follow me commot from the same womb sha)..

Millicent “Uchenna” – My elder sister, older than me with a couple of years. The ‘Ada’ according to Igbo tradition. {Yeah right. Fire! If I hear! I’m a man, so na me senior jor}

ME “Junior” – erm, what more can I say? I’m the best thing to have happened to the world since sliced bread {wait, um, and who ever said sliced bread was any good?} Anyways, I’m the star of this show, keep that in mind. I own the blog goddamit!

Chijioke “CJ” “Bobo” “Bobby” – {Oga, settle on one name abeg!} My younger brother. There’s just a year’s difference in age between us. This nigga just dey follow me bumper to bumper sha. See problem o. And how can somebody’s name be “Bobo”? Haha. Na wa.

Jennifer “Chidinma” – My younger sister. Our last born, whose favourite hobby is to bully everybody. You go fear last born na. I’ve forgotten her age, I think she’s about 65 years old or something. Don’t ask me oo, ask her! She’s a lawyer  goddamit!

Phew! Ok, so now that we’ve got all the introductory parts outta the way, Let’s roll! {Huh, wait, roll ke? roll wetin? na dice?}.... Er, ok lemme rephrase – Let’s hit the streets! {Huh? hit which streets? You’re probably reading this from a PC/mobile/pad/tab, certainly no streets!}.... Oops, lemme rephrase again - Lets’s do this! {wait, do what? na robbery operation?}..... Damn, no vex. Final rephrasing – Let’s lift off! {Chill. I don’t even know what to say to my brain about this one. Chai. Lift off ke? Na airplane? And didnt a plane just crash recently? Abi you wan crash your readers ni?}...... *Face palms* Um, ok, I give up. No more rephrasing. Kindly go on to the next line. Just skip this part. Thanks.

ON UCHENNA –  Imagine this scenario: I’m somewhere downstairs in the house, maybe doing the laundry or doing some other random but ‘serious’ stuff, Uchenna is in the sitting-room upstairs watching TV .... Next thing, “JUNIOR!!" she screams, “PLEASE COME! HURRY!!”.. I immediately leave the 'serious' stuff I’m doing and sprint upstairs {after bumping into chairs and tables along the way, mind you}, thinking maybe the TV has exploded and caught on fire or something. When I breathlessly make it upstairs, panting like an antelope that's just escaped a lion’s jaws, and scouring the scene like a Superman ready to save his Lois Lane, Uchenna calmly says to me - “Ju-ju, please pass me the TV remote over there, I’m tired of this boring channel..”    ------------- HUH? CHILL. WAIT. WHAT DA FUCK?!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! SERIOUSLY? SO LEMME GET THIS STRAIGHT, YOU ARE IN THE SITTING ROOM, THE FRIGGIN REMOTE IS JUST BY THE TV, LIKE TWO CENTIMETRES AWAY FROM YOU, BUT YOU CALL ME ALL THE WAY UP TO PASS YOU THE DAMN REMOTE, HUH? -------------  ..“Aww, Ju-ju sorry now, but since you’re already here, you might as well just pass it. Do na, before NEPA takes light.."      --------- WTF!? WHAT NONSENSE! I HOPE ALL THE NEPA CABLES AND TRANSFORMERS BLOW UP AND NEVER WORK AGAIN FOR THE NEXT TEN YEARS!! -------  After all my ranting and raving, I still end up passing her the remote and then she says ..“Aww Ju-ju, that's so sweet of you, thanks a bunch. You know I love you.."     ---- FUCK THAT SHIT JOR!! BEFORE NKO?! ARE YOU NOT MEANT TO LOVE ME? I’M YOUR BROTHER, DUH. MTSCHEEW. RUBBISH.---

      ..So yeah, welcome to Uchenna.

Oh, and by the way, in case you’re wondering, yeah, Uchenna calls me ”Ju-ju” as a pet name. It’s not “Juju" as in jazz or black magic oo, but "Ju-ju" as in a short form of “Junior” {Just imagine, giving a dumb name an even dumber short form. Na wa.} However, I’ve learned not to get carried away whenever she calls me ‘Ju-ju’ because she only does that when she wants to get at my heart or make some outrageous demands that nobody in this world can ever meet! So, whenever Uchenna goes “Hey Ju-ju, please can you .........”, -- My brain just goes on high alert – BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, DANGER ALERT! DANGER ALERT! SHE WANTS TO MAKE A CRAZY DEMAND! QUICK, RUN FOR COVER!!

For instance, we could be stuck in a terrible Lagos traffic jam and Uche would be like – ..“Ju-ju, are you just gonna sit there and mope like an Arsenal fan helplessly watching his team go trophyless? Do something na! Go out and go check what’s causing this hold-up and tell them to move abeg.."       ------- SO WAIT, I’M MEANT TO LEAVE THE STEERING, GET DOWN, AND GO FIND THE SOURCE OF THIS HEAVY GRID-LOCK? IN LAGOS? RISK THE WRATH OF VIOLENT DANFO BUS CONDUCTORS? BECAUSE I'M A TRAFFIC WARDEN BAH? OR BECAUSE I’M FASHOLA’S SON ABI? YEA RIGHT! COME AND CARRY ME NA. JU-JU KO, JUPITER NI. INDEED. RUBBISH.--- 

 So you see, this Uchenna of a girl is just exasperating goddamit! If I had to have been saddled with an elder sister like this, then my folks should have at least waited a few years and given birth to me first for fuck's sakes! At least, I’d have been the one doing the ordering around by now! Na wa.

Anyways, make I no lie, Uche can be pretty useful in some areas oo. I recall when I was fresh outta secondary school, feeling fly like a funky eagle, and then one day I get a call from a girl l er, liked. {Yes people, GSM had just began to spread its wings then.} Anyways, I wasn’t around my Samsung-R220i-blue-screen-long-antenna phone when it rang, so Uche had apparently picked up the call and spoke on my behalf... The next day, I found out that the girl that called me {to ask for a biology textbook, mind you}, whom I liked, but who originally wasn’t into me at all, had suddenly started ‘liking' me more oo.... Hmm why? Well, apparently the girl liked Uchenna’s 'tush' voice and the soft way she spoke, so in a perverse and funny kinda way, the girl had somehow transferred that immediate fondness unto me!..  ---Yaay! OPE O JESU!!!---  ..Wetin concern me? As a sharp guy, omo, I had to milk this opportunity at once. No time.

So subsequently, any time I got a phonecall from a girl I had a crush on, I’d sharply beg Uchenna to answer the call or at least speak to the girl and work her ‘voice’ magic....... Afterwards, I usually got responses from the girls like "..Aww, John, your sister’s voice is sooo cute..”,  “..wow John, I like the way your sister speaks..”,  “..Oooh John hun, I think I’m liking you better cos of your sister’s voice. I don’t even mind you now. I want our kids to have that kinda voice.." ----------- {HUH? WHAT? OUR KIDS KE? YOU AND WHO? OH, IS THAT WHY YOU ARE SUDDENLY CALLING ME 'HUN'?? CHINEKE! SEE THIS GIRL O. ARE WE ACTING A NOLLYWOOD MOVIE HERE OR SOMETHING? DUH, NA ORDINARY CRUSH I GET ON YOU OO, DID I PROMISE YOU MARRIAGE NI? BIKO PARK WELL O}--------- Um, but of course, I wouldn’t voice out those thoughts, I’d just continue feeling fly with my newly found celeb status courtesy of Uchenna   ....... – Hmm maybe my parents planned it right afterall.... maybe having an elder sister aint so bad, right? 

WRONG!! WRONG!! WRONG JOR!! I refuse to be bribed! Because this is the same Uchenna that will watch that annoying E! Entertainment channel all day and stop me from watching football! I mean, who does that? Who watches stupid fashion news and dumb reality  shows and silly paparazzi chasing some B-list American celebrity up and down all day? WTF?! Give me a break. I cant take it! Nope. Especially not when Arsenal is playing Liverpool and Thierry Henry is about to score a hattrick! Lai lai, I no gree.  ..... I had to find a solution ...... So whenever Uchenna was comfortably seated and taken control of the TV remote like a dictator Sani Abacha in Aso rock, I’d codedly go to the change over switch and turn it off..... Hehehe of course it’s “NEPA” that took the light ”........... Needless to say, after raining angry curses  on the ineptitude and inefficiency of  the innocent NEPA peeps, Uchenna would disappointedly trudge off the sitting-room.... HEHEHE YES! YES! PLAN WORKED!...... I'd quietly turn the change over switch back on, lock myself in the sitting room and peacefully watch my football! I no fit carry last abeg. Hehe.

Anyways, the good news is that Uche’s married now.... She can go watch E! in her husband’s house for all I care! On her wedding day, that was secretly the reason why I was most happy for! At last, I get to watch footy in peace!! ---YES! SOMEBODY SHOUT HALLELUIA!!---  But my joy was short–lived.... I was with Uche one weekend recently, and needless to say, I couldn’t watch the Arsenal Vs Sunderland game. Infact, I’m tired! ----I NEED A NEW ELDER SISTER!! MAYBE KATY PERRY? OR BEYONCE? AT LEAST I’D GET TO HAVE JAY-Z AS AN INLAW, PLEASE? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK? OK, FORGET BEYONCE OR KATY PERRY. I'D MANAGE ANYONE! ERM, ANYBODY AT ALL? JUST APPLY. PLEASE?

ON BOBO – First off, what kinda name is “Bobo” sef? Is that the name of the donkey that carried Jesus triumphantly into Jeruslem or something? Lmfao... Anyways, where do I even start with this nigga? It seems the boy was just born to cramp my style o. And no be today the thing start sef.  This boy didn’t even allow me suckle breast long enough before he suddenly arrived on the scene to shorten my ration! Just imagine, no respect, no fear! {By the way, popsy strong oo, couldn’t even wait for two years at least. na wa}... Anyways, when we were younger, this Bobo boy  always seemed to get the better deal even though both of us committed the deed together.

Whenever we were up to some mischief and got busted, I’d be the one to receive all the slaps and reprimands, while Bobo would get off with reasonings like – “Oh, I’m sure Bobo doesn’t know anything about this, he was just following his elder brother. Junior is older, he should know better, so he should receive the punishment..” ------------- HUH? WTF?! WAIT, WAIT, WHAT RUBBISH! WHICH KAIN NONSENSE OLDER BROTHER?! WE ARE PRACTICALLY TWINS!! BESIDES, HE’S EVEN THE MASTERMIND OF EVERYTHING GODDAMIT!! HE’S THE ONE WHO BROUGHT UP THE IDEA OF PUTTING GRINDED PEPPER INSIDE THE HOUSEMAID’S TOOTHPASTE!!! --------------

Anyways, so because me and this Bobo of a boy were almost about the same age, we were always seen together and inevitably, comparisons were usually made... “ Oh Bobo’s a fantastic dancer, Junior is as stiff as a plank.." “Bobo has swag, Junior looks like a nerd that sells carrots..” etc etc.. stuff like that.. .... The bottom line was that I always got the rubbish part of the comparison. And the annoying thing was that it was usually true! ...... Bobo was said to have swag even before the world “swag” was invented! Even at a young age, he could dance his way into a lady’s heart and make her all mushy-eyed... Me? Whenever I danced, it was just like when two drumsticks are trying to wiggle away from the rubber band holding them together - Just rubbish. Smh..... Bobo was extremely fashionable and hip, knew all the designers and rocked whatever was trendy at the time - timbaland boots, baggy jeans, baseball jerseys and all..  Me? The only fashionable thing I knew how to rock were my glasses! Yes, those spectacles young kids wore that had  a safety rope attached to the frames! {Imagine. Spectacles with a rope?! Phew, really thankful for optical advancements! If not, how I for be by now?}

So basically, while Bobo was like a suave, fashionable lil celeb, me I was like a retarded african dexter!...  ... BUT, all hope wasn’t lost per se, because, erm, I’d like to think of myself as the ‘cuter’ one. All I know is that I was the more handsome of the two of us.. ---------YES, I’M CLAIMING IT GODDAMIT!! ANYBODY THAT DOESN'T LIKE IT CAN GO HUG A WET TRANSFORMER NEAR A BOKO HARAM CAMP IN BORNO STATE!! WHAT RUBBISH!! AT LEAST LEMME WIN IN ONE CATEGORY NA! HABA! WETIN SEF? AFTERALL, SHEBI NA ME GET THIS BLOG SEF. BOBO, IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT THEN START YOUR OWN BLOG GODDAMIT! NONSENSE AND RUBBISH!-------  Hehehe  *evil grin*

Ok, so having satiated my ego and claimed a little victory in that category, lets continue.. {Although it has to be said that no matter how much I thought of myself as the cuter one, Bobo always still seemed to have far more admirers for his ‘swag’ and general coolness. So even when I was meant to be ‘winning’, I was still relegated to the background. na wa}. ........ This Bobo of a boy was proving to be a serious cramper of my style, and I didn’t have a clue as to what to do to combat this immediate threat facing me.... His attributes were just too cool and he always seemed to be effortlessly lucky and seamless in stuff...

For instance, during our younger teenage days, one of our usual mischief making stunts was to ‘steal' the car keys and secretly drive out. Where the car keys weren’t available or hidden from us, we’d try an assortment of different random keys or even use srewdrivers to start up the car’s ignition. Surprised? Don't be. The ignition system of old school mercedes-benz-230E-flat boot was notoriously flimsy – perfect for us! So, whenever our folks weren’t around, we’d somehow get the car started and stealthily drive out for some teenage sprees.. However, it only always went according to plan when it was Bobo’s turn to drive out. (Yes people, we usually rationed these things on a day by day basis. Sue us.) Bobo’d start up the car at first try, then effortlessly drive out and go have ‘teenage fun’. Most times, he’d even stay out longer than we planned and I’d be worried that our folks would return and he’d get busted – but, yeah on those days, that’s when the folks would decide to stay out longer and return home later than usual! WTF?! I mean, this boy just can’t get into trouble sha.... ....But when it’s my turn, well, let’s just say the opposite always happened. On my days to steathily 'own' the car, that's when the folks would friggin come back earlier than usual! SMH! I’d struggle to start up the ignition, then I’d eventually drive out and stay for maybe 20 minutes tops........... And when I return, there is mumsy waiting for me silently in the balcony. .... And behind her, there is that damned Bobo innocently “reading” his agricultural science text book.. -------------WTF? SERIOUSLY?! ARE YOU GONNA FALL FOR THIS? REALLY? HE DOESN’T EVEN LIKE AGRIC SCIENCE GODDAMMIT!! INFACT, HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE READING AT ALL!! HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?! --------  ... As I write this, I can still feel my cheeks where the slaps landed... Ouch.

Even though this Bobo was a serious style cramper, I usually wished I could stumble into the kinda luck he always had. That boy just simply always had the most fun! University time, he got to attend a private uni with cool benefits and all...... Me? You don’t even wanna know! I got bundled into a public government uni with all its attendant ASUU 'benefits' and then finally graduated at 59 years old! {Confused? Don’t be. I’m Benjamin Button. I age backwards! Hehehe}.

Also, another style cramping attribute of Bobo was the infuriating height disparity....  At a certain point in our early teenage years, this Bobo of a boy just started growing taller and taller and taller, until he overtook me!.---------WHAT NONSENSE! WHAT’S DOING THIS BOY SEF?! HOW WILL ANYBODY BELIEVE I’M THE SENIOR NOW, HUH? YOU BETTER REVERT BACK TO YOUR ORIGINAL HEIGHT IF YOU KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YOU NOW O!!------   Needless to say, the nigga just grew taller than me like that without fear oo and hasn’t looked back since! And I just can’t understand this because he doesn't even like beans; but beans is my favourite food!.. -- WTF?! SO, EVEN BEANS WAS ALSO CONSPIRING AGAINST ME?! SMH.

So, ok even if I let the height thing slide, I certainly won't agree for the glasses thing! Nope. So this is the gist – I’ve been wearing glasses for more than half my life (and gotten enough grief for it), so I trudge along and unyieldingly keep up with my unfashionable specs [This damn blog is even named after my glasses for fuck's sakes!]..... Then Boom! In comes Bobo one day to say that he’s suddenly developed 'bad eyesight' and that he’d need glasses too.... Hmm, my brain goes - “Well this is a welcome news, at least there’d now be more blind efikos in the house and the burden of the insults will be shared. Cool".. But contrary to the desires of my scheming mind, what does Bobo go and do? Yep, this boy goes ahead and acquires the most fashionable designer clinical specs ever and instantly begins getting admirable glances and compliments..  --------WHAT DA HELL??! SO WAIT, LEMME UNDERSTAND THIS, I HAVE BEEN STUCK WITH THESE UGLY-ASS ANTIQUATED GEEKY SPECS FOR GAZILLION YEARS, BUT YOU JUST BEGIN USING GLASSES FOR HALF A MINUTE AND YOU GET TO HAVE THESE FASHIONABLE SUPER UBER COOL SHADES??? LIKE FOR REAL?? SOMEBODY SHOOT ME.

Another time, Uchenna got back from a trip and brought us stuff. Of course, Bobo got nice gadgets, fashionable shoes and other cool stuff.... When I excitedly came to receive my own stuff, Uchenna gave me a peck on the cheek, handed me a packet shirt and a cheap pen and said - ..“Ju-ju, I know you don’t fancy all those silly stuff Bobo likes so I got you this very nice shirt you’d like cos you are more matured, plus I'm sure you're happy about the biro cos it's what your kind of person will find useful”..  ---------WHAT IN THA WORLD?! MEANING?? DON'T GIMME THAT CRAP!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?? A PACKET SHIRT?? THAT I CAN’T GET IN OSHODI MARKET ABI?! WTF!! MATURED MY ASS!! OH, IS THAT WHY YOU PECKED ME?? I THINK I NOW KNOW HOW JESUS FELT WHEN JUDAS KISSED HIM AND THEN BETRAYED HIM!! AND WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH A FUCKING PEN, HUH?? USE IT TO SIGN AUTOGRAPHS AT A BLIND PEOPLES' CONVENTION?? OR PERHAPS WRITE A BIOGRAPHY ON MAHATMA GHANDI?? WTF IS THAT?! I AM NOT A FRIGGIN NERD FOR FUCK’S SAKES! GIVE ME NICE THINGS!! I ALSO LIKE NICE THINGS!!

             Damn it .... I just can’t win, can I?

And finally, the one that gets my goat the most.. This Bobo also unwittingly steals my girlfriends! How? Picture this: A cute girl I liked that took me a thousand years to beg and convince finally pays me a visit at home. I provide refreshments and engage her in small talk.. As I’m about to get more 'comfortable' with the conversation and switch to a more romantic aura, that damned Bobo suddenly saunters in all sweaty and macho from a game of basketball. “Hey what's up” he says to me and my companion from across the room... From the corner of my eye, I notice she still has her gaze firmly fixed on him .... "Wow, your brother is cool" she blurts out... I uncomfortably reply - ”Um yeah he is. It runs in the family... erm, so as we were saying, when next are we gonna ....” But she cuts in “aww, seems he likes b-ball. I like guys that play b-ball.."  *ME* - “Yeah, oh I see, um, I’m actually fantastic in b-ball (LIE! LIE!) I just don’t play it often.. Ehen so, where was I? Right, I was asking when next we were gonna .....”  *HER* – “But there’s something about him.... I think I like him..."   -----------------------WTF?!! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!! WHICH KAIN RUBBISH BE THIS SEF?! INFACT, GIMME BACK MY ORANGE JUICE AND MEATPIE!! OYA GO AND MEET BOBO! MTSCHEEW! YOUR FATHER!

Seriously, why wasn’t I the only son? Or if I must have had a brother, why couldn’t it have been Mesut Ozil? At least he could connect me and I’d play for Arsenal or something. Because this is no longer funny! My entire style has been cramped goddamit! I NEED A NEW BROTHER! PLEASE! ANYONE?.

ON CHIDINMA – Uh, um, erm *cough cough* .... I don’t even know where to start with this one’s matter... *whispering in hushed tones*.. We’ll have to tread carefully here because this girl is a BULLY!! Hmm Chidinma .... What can I say? This girl is just the "Patience Ozokwor” of the house. The most 'un-last-bornish' kind of last born you'd ever find! Always throwing her weight around and bossing everybody in her path. You wouldn’t wanna cross her!

Funny enough, if this young lady had functioned just the normal way she was programmed to by her creator, then she might have been my favourite of the whole lot of my womb-sharers. But as you must have gleaned from all you’re read so far (er, that is if you’re actually still reading up to this point and not dozed off from my insane ramblings), there really is no point having a favourite sibling.. ALL OF THEM ARE WAHALA CANDIDATES ABEG! I WANT TO BE AN ONLY CHILD GODDAMIT!!

So yeah, back to Chi.. Yeah, I usually fondly call her “ my smallie” but ironically, this particular smallie is the largest in the whole house!{way to render my pet-name useless, you nitwit!.. smh} and because she knows she’s tall or whatever, she constantly enjoys rubbing it in my face. I remember countless times when I’d travel back home from school during semester breaks and instead of this girl to say something like - “Aww Uncle Junior welcome home, how was the journey? Hope you're not too stressed? Lemme carry your bags and dust your room. What would you like to eat? I’ve cooked different delicacies specially for you, just make your choice. I also bought Eminem’s latest album for you even though you might have it. Plus, I checked the champions league fixture list and Arsenal is playing Inter milan later tonight, so just rest a bit then I’ll come call you when the match has started. And also, my friend is coming over, she is very pretty and her father is rich. You’ll like her company. She developed a massive crush on you when I put your handsome self up as my facebook profile picture....". etc etc. Y'know, stuff like that.... If younger sisters were like that, then I'd want a million younger sisters... Is that too much to ask? Hehehe

Yeah, so instead of that wahala Chidinma to welcome me with stuff like the above, she’d say something along the lines of – “Oh Junior, are you back? {shuffles towards me and stands shoulder to shoulder with me, measuring both our heights} Ahn ahn, Junior are you growing downwards or what? You're short o. I‘m far taller than you now. Hahaha very soon you’ll be shorter than mumsy and become the shortest in this house. I’m sure you now need a ladder to snap a passport picture. You see yourself, is it only garri you know how to drink? So you cannot eat better food in school, later you’ll be forming big boy abi. Hahaha, ehen, how come you’re arriving this late? So you cannot save money and enter flight abi? Shebi you’ll be spending your pocket money on all those girls bah? I’m sure it’s even those cheap rickety buses that don’t have A.C you entered sef. How did you even cope with the hold-up on benin-ore road? And what did you bring back sef? Nothing? na wa. You can like to be broke ehnn, are you sure they did not swear for you from the village? Haha and oh, before I forget, I just finished eating the last plate of food, I’m going out to make my hair now, if you’re hungry, you can scrape the pot and gather the remnants. Or go to the kitchen store, there is garri there. You can soak it. Afterall thats what you’re even used to. Bye bye.."  --------------------------- WTF!! WTF!! WTF!! IS THIS GIRL FUCKING KIDDING ME?! LIKE SERIOUSLY?! SHE DIDN’T EVEN PUT "UNCLE” IN MY NAME SEF!! IMAGINE OO! SMALL PIKIN WEY I KNOW WHEN DEM BORN AM! A WHOLE ME? CALLING ME BROKE?? AND I AM NOT A GARRI-DRINKER YOU NITWIT!! WHAT DA FUCK!!! I SWEAR AMMA SOO STRANGLE THIS GIRL!! I HOPE MY HANDS FIT AROUND HER NECK!! CHRIST, I DON DIE! WTF! WTF! --------

Before we continue, let me just say this on time before it gets late – I need a new younger sister. Noted? Cool. so let’s proceed. What? You wanna know why I want a new younger sister? Didn’t you read the previous paragraphs goddamit? Oh, you need more reasons? Ok cool. Fine. I'll give more reasons then. That's what I’m itching to do. Infact, I’ll make a list!

Chidinma’s Top 10 ‘Un-Younger-Sisterly' Attributes

1 – Knocking Is Not In Her Dictionary: Yep, that's, right, she doesn't do door-knocking. She barges in! Especially through my room door - into my room – to disturb my entire existence.

2 – She Never Loses Arguments: So what more can I say on this? Erm, at least y’all are living witnesses to how she finished me and my career that time when I travelled home from school a couple of paragraphs above.. And that wasn’t even an argument goddamit!

3 – Being Stingy With Giving Out Her Friends: This one dey vex me pass! Ok, shouldn’t a normal younger sister save her elder brother the stress by doing the “runs” and providing him with an endless supply of her cute friends? {Anybody that says No is just a bad-belle} Abi na my mate I go marry? C'mon, give a nigga a break!

4 – Always Playing The Cooking Ability Card: To understand this point, it's of paramount importance to note that I’m terrible at the kitchen. I probably don’t know how to operate a gas cooker.. I.Just.Can't.Cook. So um, yeah, understood? Fine. Now picture this:- I’m jejely in the parlour peacefully watching a Spanish league match between Real Madrid and Barcelona and patiently waiting for dinner.. Then Chidinma barges in (as usual).. *CHIDINMA* – “Junior please put MTV Base, I want to watch Ciara’s new video..”  *ME* – “Are you high? MTV wetin? What is Ciara? Is that the name of an animal, place, or thing? C’mon gerrout from here jor before I invoke Amadioha on you! Infact, oya go to your room and read your book now. What nonsense. Mtscheew..”..  *CHIDINMA* - “(slowly walking away and whistling) Oh ok, no problem... Ehen, I almost forgot, I had wanted to cook plantain porridge and spiced fish for dinner, but since I have to go and read now, then I guess everybody will have to go to bed hungry. It’s cool though, I’m not even that hungry.. Anyways, enjoy your football..”  *ME* – “Wait, wait, wait, wait, come back, come back. Chill na, I was just joking, don’t mind me. I was even about changing the channel to MTV base before you came sef (LIE! LIE! LIE!), And I was also thinking of buying you a Ciara crested shirt tomorrow (BIGGER LIE! BIGGER LIE! BIGGER LIE!) please come back, I’m sorry hun. Here, take the remote.."

5 – Unwittingly Destroying My Best-laid Financial Plans And Strategies: Again, picture this - I'm in school, stressed out and practically outta cash; I call popsy and very politely and humbly ask for one naira for pocket money; but I get told to carry my wahala and dive inside River Niger; I get told to carry a wheel-barrow and go hustle like my mates in Oshodi; I get told to fuck off the phone and not disturb for the next 6 months; then the phone gets hung up on me..  -------- 20 minutes later, Chidinma calls popsy  flashes popsy and he calls her back and then she nonchalantly demands for one million naira.....She gets told to send her account number.. ----WTF? SOMEBODY SHOOT ME!!

6 – VIOLENTLY DEMANDING FOR CREDIT

7 – VIOLENTLY DEMANDING FOR CREDIT

8 – VIOLENTLY DEMANDING FOR CREDIT

9 – VIOLENTLY DEMANDING FOR CREDIT

10 – VIOLENTLY DEMANDING FOR CREDIT

...Pretty Self-explanatory, eh, innit? Such a major attribute that it takes up most of the list.. Go figure..  Anyways, the bottomline – and I've said this before – is that I NEED A NEW YOUNGER SISTER GODDAMIT! ANYONE WILL SUFFICE, I DON'T MIND! EVEN A MILEY CYRUS AND HER TWERKING BRAIN WILL DO! DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES! ANYONE?? PLEASE??                                                                            ```````````````***************``````````````````

Epilogue```` So that does it then. The individual chronicles of my exasperating womb-sharers all done and dusted. And so, from my travails, it's easy to see that I really do need new siblings. Or better still, CAN I JUST BE AN ONLY CHILD?.. Seriously, why do people who are only children complain? Are they high or something? Don't they know how good they've got it? Do any of them want a swap deal with me? COS I'M FRIGGIN' INTERESTED!! SOMEONE HELP!! CAN I BE ADOPTED?? I WANT TO BE ADOPTED!! ANYONE?? PLEASE COME ADOPT ME!!

 ....And as I type that, my phone rings and one of my siblings breathlessly says over the phone - "Junior, wussup. Abeg what's the opposite of 'Totalitariansm'? I'm arguing about it with my friend here and my dictionary is far from me. Please tell me sharp sharp, my credit is going.."  --------HUH? WTF?!? OH REALLY? SO, NA ONLY FOR RUBBISH EFIKO THINGS UNA GO REMEMBER ME ABI?! OYA NA, COME CARRY ME. KISS MY ASS! TOTALITARIANISM MY FOOT! RUBBISH! INFACT, UNA PAPA!!.... ..no, wait, wait, erm, scratch that last bit.. i just remembered, na the same papa born us.. damn.. smh.

               Oh well, Whatever.

***FINAL NOTES*** –  Phew. It's been quite a long-ass write-up. I must admit, when I started this on a whim, I really didn't know it'd get this far. My fingers are burning, so I guess your eyes are probably exhausted too. If you made it this far and you're reading this, then a winner is you. Thanks for sticking around and staying with me while I spilled out my maniacal thoughts. Very much appreciated!  

PS** - If after you've read this work, and you believe all what I wrote about my 'womb-sharers', then you probably didn't see the part of my profile that says "...LOVES HIS FAMILY TO BITS.."  Lol.  ---- Yep, this article is a satirical, caustic, humourously disparaging, hyperbolic, firmly-tongue-in-cheek, witty take on my beloved siblings. It's admittedly a somewhat fictional write-up for the most part, with the littlest tinges of reality interspersed here and there. Basically, I just thought up an over-the-top, crazy sibling tale and  used my real siblings as the characters.  --- If you actually think that I want new siblings or that I really want to be adopted, then you've probably got some screws lose in your head! Hehehe.. ---- I don't do cliches, but I LOVE my siblings. My siblings are my essence. They are quite frankly, my favourite people on planet earth and if I were to live another life, I'd definitely want to have them as siblings all over again.. Simply put - They rock.

* At the beginning of this piece, there was a fake linear introduction.. So, it's only fair we end it with the real thing..

Uchenna – Quite possibly the best elder sister anyone could ever wish to have. {erm, but for real, for real, she can watch that E! channel all day long goddamit!}

Bobo – Quite possibly the best brother anyone could ever wish to have. {erm, but for real, for real, that 'Bobo' name no make sense at all goddamit!}

Chidinma – Quite possibly the best younger sister anybody could ever wish to have. [erm, but for real, for real, she always forgets to knock on doors before barging in goddamit!}

Hehehe... Remember what I said earlier? I'm the star of this show. Um, I own the blog, duh. Yep. Sue me.

*Dedicated to my siblings - Millie, Bobby, and Jenny